Fetch

Today my cat has been obsessed with playing fetch! It's so cute. I just love her. And Chase has been super cuddly lately too. Man, I am sooooo going to be a weird cat lady. haha I won't be the classic idea of one... I'll be married and have a bunch of kids running around too. But I love my cats so much... it's probably not quite so healthy. haha But I have to have someone to cuddle with when I am sad or falling asleep. It's not surprise to me that people live longer with pets because they make me so happy!

I had a lot of trouble focusing on school today. The aforementioned situation just kept me so perplexed. I think I have a peace about it for now... I'm just debating whether or not to mention it. The other person involved will read this and not that I mind that... it just makes me more guarded about how much I want to say. I'm not really talking to people about it, other than one friend who has kind of just been someone to share my thoughts with and be a soundboard.

Well, I'll just start typing and see where it takes me I guess...

I have a good friend here in Tallahassee who I have been hanging out with a lot, as I have been with many friends from church. But especially this spring, he and I have gotten really close. And then last night, he said he would like to take me out on a date. But I said no. I don't think he realizes how hard it was for me to say no. And I don't mean out of pity or anything like that. But the logical side of me had already made the decision. I reasoned it out and came to a conclusion. To be honest, I think I was even surprised that I stuck with it. And so for the past 24 hours, I have done a painfully large amount of reflecting.

I went to bed, completely baffled as to whether or not I should have done what I did. I tend to make decisions and that is that. I don't question it. It's resolved. But it wasn't that way at all this time, which made me question myself a lot. I was thinking about it while I was sleeping... which I realize sounds weird but I definitely was. It was the first thing I thought about when I woke up.

I talked things out w/a friend online and started to feel better about it. But I felt like I still had some loose ends to tie up... so I sent him a message on Facebook with a couple of thoughts I didn't really feel that I had a chance to explain at the moment. And the response... I couldn't have asked for anything nicer. I can't even say that I felt flattered because I feel like flattery is somewhat fake... and I knew it was genuine. I was almost crying. It was just really sweet.

But in reality, I know that I don't feel that way in return. At least, not to that extent. I wouldn't let myself. I wanted to guard my heart above all else... because I knew I had to. Sometimes I guess I'm just too wise for my own good, right? All that said, I refuse to date someone out of selfish ambition... and I know that's what it would be right now.

I just don't believe people change for other people. I'm not one of those girls who thinks I can change a guy to be what I want. He needs to be that first. And I don't compromise on that. If someone wants to change, they will do it of their own accord. If God changes my heart in the future so be it, but right now, I know it's the right thing. I have a peace about it.

When it comes down to it, I just want to stop being so self-centered in this situation. I've done a lot of praying and pondering. The next time I date someone, whomever and whenever that may be, I want to know God had His hand in it. I want to know that it could never have happened otherwise., were it not for His leading. The hardest part of that, is that I have no idea what that might look like. I guess I'll have to figure it out.

I feel like these thoughts are all kind of jumbled and incoherent. Sorry. But that's kind of how my brain is right now.