Ups & Downs

It's back. The cycling. I get to acceptance... and backpeddle away back to anger... and so on and so forth. It was a much better week this week, but still quite emotional.

I spent my week on peds, which is awesome! But it has many challenges, some of them for me, are emotional. I spent the mornings in the nursery where the newborns lived on their first 1-3 days of life while not in the room with their mommies. I LOVE babies. I WANT babies. haha Yes, of my own! Every time I see a teeny tiny baby, especially the cute ones, I feel this yearning deep inside me to be pregnant and have a little one growing inside me. I just think it's such an unbelievable miracle and picture of love that God has created us to enjoy! So, by the fifth day of  examining and checking out the little ones, I was ready to be done. Not because I don't love holding and cuddling and watching them. It's just that in some ways, I hurt a little inside, knowing that I would love to be a mom and that is not in my future for quite some time. I guess I got into the wrong profession then... lol   On a side note, I got to perform 2 circumcisions this week! That's really a weird thing to be excited about, but it was exciting! lol

Weekend update: Saturday morning Katie & I slept in and ate our Cheesecake from Cheesecake factory for breakfast. Then we went to the beach, after a quick stop in Walmart for the essentials (Sunscreen, Pineapple, Doritos, Mike's Hard Lemonade in Raspberry-which is refreshing! btw) and hit up Jax beach... only to be kicked out about an hour later. Electrical storm coming and it was quite nasty looking. Rained most the afternoon.



We went to this awesome place in Five Points called Cozy Tea. I think it's run by an Indian family. We each had a full afternoon tea which included a pot of tea, the best scones I have ever had, some mini sandwiches, soup, salad, slice of quiche and 2 decadent desserts for $20 each. Totally worth it! The food was absolutely stellar!

Live music: The Mystery Band

Later on we napped and read a bit, then headed out for a night on the town! We were wanting somewhere on the water, but not another long drive to the beach. So we went to the Jacksonville Landing. We weren't really hungry after the huge meal we had with tea, but we each had a fun drink (they were huge!)  and an appetizer. Then we sat out listening to the live music and these ladies were dancing  in front of the stage. They were probably in their 50s, maybe 60s, and they danced around without a care in the world. They may or may not have been drunk. Either way, they totally didn't care that anyone was watching. And they were actually pretty good! Katie said one of them does Zumba, from looking at her. (I've never done Zumba, so no idea... haha) But they really made me want to get up and dance too! (But maybe that was the drink I had that was a little too strong for my liking...)  I just really loved how they were having fun without a care in the world.  A few songs later, they played the Electric slide and I convinced Katie (yes, you read that right) to go up and do it.  It is one of the few dances I don't mind doing in public, even though I kind of hate dancing in front of people pretty much always. (Maybe it was that drink? lol)  But I really think it was the women who inspired me.

We headed home and after I was a very bad person and sent some angry texts to someone... I went to sleep.  And I only bring this up (because why would I want to talk about the stupid things I do?) because, I had a lovely time with Katie... and though I'm not really a girly girl, I certainly can enjoy my time with the girls. But when you are with other women, it turns into girl talk and of course, in light of my situation, that turns into trash talking someone. And I really hate that. That is just not at all how I am. And honestly, I don't believe it is productive or helpful. Because what happens? I end up right back in my cycle of anger. I dwell on the pain more. As much as this weekend was about a distraction from my emotions, it wasn't really.

And as wonderful as it is to have friends who love you and support you and care enough to speak truth to you and look out for you... sometimes your friends are wrong. So I'm working on listening to the Lord on direction and nothing more. For the past 48 hours, yeah, I did a lot of "stuff" to occupy my time. And I had A BLAST with Katie. (And I have some super cute pictures of us and a further expanded wardrobe!) But yesterday, God was not on the forefront of my mind all day. And that is where He has been lately... right where He belongs. So this crappy situation has forced me into a state of desperation for God.  And I'm not grateful at all for the hurt or how this all happened, but I am grateful for the Lord using it to draw me nearer to Him. And that's not what I have done the past couple of days. So shame on me!

Erin & I in front of Sonny's!

But today we went to church at Erin's church again. Met up with her, Devin and little Collin for lunch at Sonny's! I <3 Sonny's. :)  Then Katie & I headed to the Outlets... yes for the third weekend in a row! But, I did buy a new navy suit for my interviews! I will need to get the skirt altered but it looks pretty sharp! I also got a couple of cute tops and a really soft/comfy/cute/lovethecolor sweater from Banana that I was eyeing last time in there. So I splurged....oops. The best part of all this shopping is that I don't need to do any laundry before I leave! haha

Ok, I really need to go spend some quality time with the Lord and study and get ready for bed before too much longer.