Will I never learn?

Pathetic is the beginning of the end. I haaaaaaaaaaate crushes. hate them. capital H.

So this guy was there right? And I mean, I did but I didn't make that silly cake to impress him. I enjoyed making it. But I wanted to impress him too. I impressed nearly everyone. They loved it. I don't know if he even saw it. Or if he did, pretty sure he didn't care. Suck. (as in me, at life)

I am unbelievably awkwardly shy around him too. Why am I so 4th grade?

But then we did talk some. He seems very nice. And very not into me. Lovely.

On the ride home, I had a long talk with God. And it was longer than it would have been, if there hadn't been a minivan with an open trunk and a mattress inside going 15mph down the 2 lane, double yellow line road for about 10 miles. Seriously. It was out of control... but God likes to teach us patience too. :)

Anyway, I left and just felt terrible. I don't really care about the crush. I mean, sure, the fact that yet another guy I was potentially interested in barely knows I exist is certainly disheartening in the moment, but nothing I can't (and haven't many a time) come back from. I just feel like I keep falling back for the same things and just can't learn my lesson. Why am I so stupid?

I try to keep focused on the Lord and give it all to Him. The world tells me "put yourself out there" and yada yada yada because if you don't, you'll miss out. And I try to manage to live somewhere in a balance between... usually leaning toward the shy side. But I just, I felt so disappointed in myself. I've been growing more in the Lord and really trying to keep Him a priority and be constantly Kingdom minded lately. And it's been happening, which has been so exciting! I feel that I've grown more these past few weeks than I did since maybe our first semester of med school. At the retreat, I was really handing things over to Him. But I step in the door of "home" and it's gone again. I took over. I wanted it and selfishly took it for myself, after deciding that if I were going to even try to "put myself out there" at all, that I would pray about it first so that it didn't turn into me trying to manipulate some situation.

I was just so disappointed that I said I was handing it to God and I was lying. I was keeping it for myself. And in some ways, I'm not really sure how to control my thoughts that much... but I could have given it to God first. How can I grow so close to the Lord and yet continue to ignore Him so much in parts of my life? Unbelievable, eh? (How's that for a little Canadian? :)

So for the bajillionth time (and certainly not the last), I gave it up to God. Again and again and again I do it. And each time I fail... as I steal it away from Him. I was really so upset (I think a combination of disappointment in the situation and myself and the stress of the exam) that I wanted to and felt like crying... though I didn't quite. I really felt heartbroken though. Cheating on my Lord? How could i?

Anyway, I hate crushes. They make me get emotional. And I HATE being that girl.

The thing that annoys me most about myself in this particular situation, is that... I don't even know if I want to date him. It's very possible that I could get to know him and really see that it would never work. And yet I care so much? No, you are right, it doesn't make sense at all.

I also decided I could be the poster child for "He's Just Not That Into You." Case in point.